Saying goodbye to a beautiful soul that will live on through Love

I have other entries lined up that I thought would be going into the Diary next, but I can only be true to myself, and writing about anything other than what has currently been happening just wasn’t a thing that seemed natural to me, so this messy sort of stapling together of feelings and emotions, written at various times over the last two weeks, is where I guess I landed.

Sometimes life just seems to guide us…

On a Friday evening, about 10 days ago, which is now a seeming lifetime ago, I had plans to meet a friend for dinner and to catch up regarding our current creative endeavors. This event hadn’t made it to the family calendar yet and in the meantime my wife had scheduled something as well. Her sister had received two bits of good news as it pertained to her current health issues, health issues which were rather significant and had showed up out of the blue on a Monday morning in December. So my wife planned a get-together to “celebrate” and have some fun and laughs with the family. As a result one of us would have to pick up our daughter from her art class which conflicted with both of our plans. No problem, I can do it and will just be a little late to dinner. I agreed to pick her up and drop her over at my sister-in-law’s house where the fun and laughter would be taking place. Cool.

To make the process as efficient as possible my wife told me, “The front door is open, just drop her off, she can come inside and you can go straight to dinner.” Cool, so I pulled in, said goodbye to my 11 year old daughter as she got out of the car and gave me a, “See ya Dad”. Then for a reason I have no good explanation for, and already clearly late for dinner, I put the car in park, turned it off, and got out to just go inside for a second. As I did so my daughter told me she was fine walking to the door on her own and I could go, confirming her independence and emphasizing she didn’t need her Dad to walk her to the door. I told her that I knew she was fine, and that I just wanted to stop in real quick anyhow, and that I was going in “for me” and not to walk her to the door. Despite the fact that I had no idea what I meant by, “I’m going in for me”, it was all absolutely true.

I went into the house, didn’t take my shoes off, which I noted in my mind because I knew I would only be a minute. The majority of the family attendees were in the kitchen hanging out, I got a quick hug hello from one family member who was up and on the move, and then I poked my head in and took a quick look around. I saw my sister-in-law on the couch in the living room by herself. I instinctively rolled in right past everyone and went to her, put my hand on her shoulder and said, “You just chilling?” to which she nodded, giggled and said some version of positive confirmation. I then leaned over her from behind the couch and gave her a kiss. It was one of the those weird awkward kisses where you go in to just do the sort of brush the cheek type of side kiss but since I was coming at it from a weird angle it became a sort of upside down, my lips directly on her cheek, holding the side of her face, sort of kiss. Not quite landing with smooth perfection as intended but still totally fine given the Love and familiarity we have with each other. Then I said something about my crazy boys whom were sitting in a chair behind her playing games on screens (I still don’t think they know I was ever there) to which she again giggled her oh so familiar and glorious giggle, I turned, waved a quick goodbye to everyone as I was walking out and I was off to dinner.

Later that night I thought to myself, and I do this quite often, “Wow, was I totally rude earlier this evening? I didn’t go around the room and formally say hello to anyone else or give any of them Love and then I just sort of walked out.” I kind of felt like a jerk.

It wasn’t until three days later, when I was sitting in a hospital waiting room learning that my sister-in-law was not doing well after she had been rushed to the emergency room, that it dawned on me that the brief interaction from a few days earlier had been the last time I had seen her. When their was an opportunity for me to go see her at the hospital I said to my wife, “If you would like me to go back with you to see her I absolutely will, and if not, then I think I’m good.” My wife, in all of her outstanding courage, strength and devotion, after having watched her go back to see her sister numerous times and numerous times hold her head up high and grab the hand of someone to “shepherd (this is the best word I could come up with for what was amazing unselfish strength)” them back to her ICU room, said that she was fine. I choose to not go see her in a state that, “wasn’t her.”

That moment of our solitary exchange and that imperfectly perfect kiss on the cheek was the last time I saw her, and it would end up being the last time I would see her. Looking back at it in that way, I realize it was a perfect interaction. Using a million words, or none at all, I’m unable to explain it to the depth that I feel it, but being unknowingly guided and not aware of it at the time, that was my goodbye to her and her goodbye to me, and it was perfect, and in that single moment our entire relationship was encapsulated, Love, laughter, knowing, trust…and I’ll keep it forever.

…and then she was gone…

Michelle entered the world on November 28, 1979, and left it peacefully surrounded by her family and Love on February 14, 2023. She lived life with a smile on her face and with a sweet soul that focused on finding joy in everything she did. While her dedication and compassion as a caregiver and beloved colleague was regularly on display she had no greater joy than the Love she had for her two girls, whom she raised with their father. She loved being active as a hiker, a runner, a mother of cats, and a general bad ass, and she would face the world in the same manner in which she would encourage her girls to, as a free spirit taking in the experiences the world has for her as they come, while laughing and dancing the entire time. She Loved outstanding music, reveling in live music whenever she could, dancing her way to the front row at any and every opportunity. Michelle loved and lived life fully, and if you knew her for a minute or for as long as you could remember you loved her. She was eternally happy, social, non-judgmental and a friend in an instant, and then for a lifetime. She was, and is, 32 flavors and then some. Michelle will be remembered most as a woman, a warrior, a devoted daughter, Loving sister and a mother with undying Love for her two girls. She’s dancing now as she did in life, as if no one is watching and as if everyone is watching, either way without a care. She will be forever loved and forever missed.

I noticed the sky was incredibly clear on February 13th and the sun was shining. It was crisp, serene and sunny in just the right way. It stayed like that in a perfect sort of calm clearness into the morning of February 14th. I remember thinking how great of a day this would be to travel, and especially outdoors. It was definitely a great atmosphere to travel home in, no matter what the definition of home may be.

Life’s not fair. Here’s the surprising, and maybe somewhat brutal, thing about that fact though, and this, ignorantly or totally understandably, just recently dawned on me…no one ever said it would be. Literally no one. So how to make sense of it then when it not only doesn’t seem fair but seems possibly downright cruel? Well, maybe it’s just that life, and each life in our lives, are so intertwined that it’s all just one big thread and there’s no fair or unfair, there just is. Not to get too philosophical here, because I’m really not trying to, but I guess I take away the fact that a life lived is a life lived, and if it’s long, or short, or just right, whatever that might be, it’s up to us to do something with that life lived in our own lives, whether we’re interacting with each other in the here and now currently or that time has passed.

When I lost my oldest brother, and then my Mother, I thought, and said, “A day won’t go by that I don’t think about them”. Well, to be  honest some 29 and 13 years later there are days where I don’t think about them, at least consciously as far as I can tell, and yet I’ve found that to be ok. I think of them often when they come to mind during important things, and even during not very important things, like in the middle of a song or when I see a symbol in nature that is reserved for them or my kids do something that is so identical to them it makes me wonder what world I’m living in. Is it one still with them, or without them? I will crack up at times about stuff that reminds me of them, or things we did together and other times I will ponder, and ask why, and break into tears for seemingly no reason, realizing that the reason is simply, and powerfully, I miss my brother and I miss my Mom. No matter the scenario I could lay out here there is no question, I am who I am today and every day because they were in my life, and I was in theirs. My children never met either of them and yet, their influence, their speech, their ethics, their mannerisms lives on in them.

…but will live on...

As it pertains to Michelle, I consider myself blessed that I was witness to someone who, in ways, saw and experienced the world differently than I did and someone who, in ways, saw and experienced the world the same as I did. I see a loving soul that taught me things I didn’t know I was learning. I got to experience the life of someone that couldn’t answer an e-mail to me if I sent her one because she didn’t know how that crazy contraption worked, which by the way didn’t bother her in the slightest, but she could show up to my dying Mother’s bedside in my childhood home and comfort my family and I by telling us we were doing everything right and also tell us everything that my Mom needed at the time. Michelle would do things or make decisions that at the time might seem crazy, but in retrospect may have been the most obviously smart decision at the time. A hypothetical example, if taxes needed to be done on the same day of an awesome outdoor music festival that Michelle got tickets to you can bet your ass the taxes were gonna be done late. At the time one might question what the best decision in such a scenario is, but in retrospect it’s just obvious, and she knew it, and she lived life that way.

…just like this.

The first time I ever did yoga was with Michelle. My wife gave me a 30 day pass to the yoga studio where Michelle practiced. My wife was probably thinking, have him do something, anything, that focuses on his body and if it helps his mind then, hey, that’s a bonus. Michelle and I went to my first class together and while she should’ve been embarrassed by her wise cracking brother-in-law showing up at her joint and not knowing what the hell he was doing, she was instead welcoming, supportive and really wanted to share her Love of this practice with me because of the benefit she thought it would have for me. After that first experience it made so much sense to me as to why this practice resonated so strongly with her, and I even said to my wife, “I get it why Michelle Loves this.” It was calming, it was empowering, it was reflective and it was this amazing practice of self care, at least that’s how it hit me that first time I did it. I couldn’t believe that at the end of it you just lay down, it was outstanding. I cried, no big surprise here.

I did yoga today (is that how you say it? did yoga?) and still do so on a somewhat regular basis as I’ve done off and on since that first experience. I was reminded of all of this, the fact that my first time doing yoga was with Michelle and that this was my first time doing yoga without her in my world, and it hit me hard, and, no surprise, I cried, and cried a lot throughout the session (practice?). My yogi, is that what you call her, closed the session, as she always does, with an amazing quote that went something like, “The world of reality has its limits, but the world of imagination is boundless.”, which hit me in just the right way I guess, or I forced it to mean what I wanted, or what I was feeling. It hit me in that time with Michelle may have hit its limit in the tangible world we live in but that she’s here in our imagination and our hearts and souls to inspire endless amounts of things. I don’t know that Michelle and I ever did yoga together again, I think we probably did one or two classes together but not in a way as meaningful as that first time, if that makes sense, but I do know that she’ll never not be with me again when I do yoga. It also hit me in that I’m right where I should be in my life as I’m transitioning from a world of strict limitations and trying to make a life using and relying on my imagination. Again, I don’t know if all of this is coming to me as I need it or if I’m shoe horning it in to what I need, and I suppose it really doesn’t matter, things are there in our lives and its up to us to do what we want, or what we will with them. To further the example, I got into the car after yoga today and some sort of dance remix song, Take Me to the Clouds Above by LMC vs U2 (???? I don’t know, but go check it out, it is simple and marvelous), was on the radio and I started cracking up because I was thinking Michelle was sending me this crazy dance mix of a Whitney Houston and U2 mash up to get my attention and to pull me out of my seriousness. Turns out the song seems to be about a girl who is in the clouds about a boy, so who knows, but ultimately it gave me an experience and a feeling and a laugh, was it truly a song sent from above to make me laugh, probably, and probably not, but ultimately who cares, it’s my life and that’s what happened and that’s how I interpreted it and that’s what I needed at the moment, and I thought it was gloriously hilarious.

It’s life, it’s Love, it’s family and it’s our responsibility to take it all in, sop it up with a biscuit, and make ourselves better for it. Here’s the thing, and I hate saying anything as if I’m impressing some sort of wisdom so I’ll say it as I’m processing it, I’m going to carry her forward in my life, and I’m not going to do it as if it is a burden, needing to live for her, but rather as a joy and a privilege. Sounds simple enough, but I can tell you, there will be days in the future where I won’t consciously remember, and that’s ok, I’m not living for her, I’m living with her, I’m going to take the things I experienced and learned from my relationship and interaction with her and I’m going to carry them forward, sometimes doing so fully aware and out loud and other times she will just be tucked in there amongst all of the other great and amazing things of life. I’ll carry that forward in me, and in my kids, and through the experiences I had with her my life will be better, my kid’s lives will be better, and the world will be better. Thanks little sister…we got you.

Love Always.