…aka Go ahead and call it a comeback, because comebacks can apparently be pretty legendary…
I‘m Back????? October 5, 2021 (this is a timeline reference thing and not today’s date, well it was today’s date on that date…you get it, I’m just keeping it from being confusing…obviously)…
So it’s been awhile, I guess. I’m not entirely sure why it’s been awhile, but it has definitely been awhile. Maybe it’s because after our family vacation in July the world sort of “opened up” a bit. At least it opened up compared to how it had been for the 15 months or so prior. I guess since that happened we got kind of busy doing “stuff”. The cute and snuggly “excuse” is we were creating new memories…and here are a handful of pictures to prove it:
As noted that seems to be the cute and cuddly reason (read excuse), but I’m not sure that’s accurate. In fact I’m largely certain it’s not. First of all, I found that writing is hard. This might just be me, but to actually sit down and write, with the output not entirely sucking, is difficult. Often times I’ll read something I previously wrote and wonder, “Who actually wrote that and where is that person currently?”
I even picked the brain of a much more established writer about how she does “it” and what her “process” is as I was floundering and she gave me some logical, simple, smart advice, “Pick a time when you work well and then sit down and write during that time”. Makes sense.
All that sane, and yet unfollowed, advice aside, I guess while I was partaking in the slightly reopened world I also found myself in a very confused rut…again. For example, this has to be at least the twelfth time I’ve even tried writing this entry and I finally said to myself, just sit down and try to get as in touch with yourself as possible (not like that you pervs, at least not in this example) and try to put honest thoughts and feelings onto this piece of paper (or white screen) and so that’s what I did, and the messy, dirty truth of it is, it didn’t really go well. I don’t know why, I don’t have answers for myself.
Why the pause? Why the rut? Why stagnation? I don’t know, my feelings went away for a while?, I downloaded too many games on my phone?, all of my other to-dos felt more important at the time even though I didn’t do those either? Maybe, but I’m going to make an effort to reemerge and capture the creativity that I was so hungry for when I started this. We’ll see how it goes.
I’m not sure when I even started the first version of this post, but I can tell you that some of the items referenced herein happened weeks (months? definitely months now) ago. Also, since it took so long to get off the ol’ schneid I’m going to be piecing together some of the various versions into this FINAL copy, so sorry it’s such a damn mess, and, yes, probably even more of a mess than usual. For example, I’m acting like this is the start of the post and it’s clearly not.
I think that’s about as honest of an answer I have right now, but all of this other stuff unfolded to get me to this point as well, so I thought I would capture it here…it’s mostly written from the time that it kind of happened.
The first comeback motivation…early September I think…
So it has been brought to my attention that I’ve vanished from the Diary. The Diary I Never Wrote is literally not being written. When I say “brought to my attention” I don’t mean that I wasn’t aware, because I was very aware, I just wasn’t aware that anyone else would really notice or care and I don’t mean that to sound as pitiful as it sounds, but really once the first “miss” happened it was just kind of like, oh well. I’ll get them next week…I mean next week…I mean next week…I mean next week…(you get the point).
However, a very dear friend of mine recently said to me, “Hey, not to pry, but, wtf? Where is the Diary?” My answer wasn’t great. It sort of shot all over the place from being busy, to complaining about the length of time some of the media creation for the entries is taking, to wanting to ensure things were flowing onto the page organically to, “yeah, I’m not sure.”
I’ve asked myself on numerous occasions, why after one break in the process does the Diary now seem so far away from me? The whole thing seems distant and out of reach, and I’m guessing this rambling about it probably doesn’t clarify it much for you the reader, seeing as how it’s still not clear to me.
I think to some extent there are aspects of the ol’ imposter syndrome kicking around. Funny because I’m not sure who or what I’m thinking I might be an imposter of, but I suppose with that one week off due to a family vacation I thought well, I missed a week and the world didn’t blow up and no one really seemed to care, so…woe is me. When my friend asked me about the whereabouts of the writings of the unwritten diary I think one of my rambling responses (yes, I ramble fucking everywhere, not just here for your reading enjoyment) included the comment, “If a tree falls in the woods…”
All of that nonsense aside, it was admittedly nice that someone noticed that this thing had stopped, and I really don’t think the intention was to see if anyone would notice, truly, but it was alarmingly nice, and stressful, that someone, and someone that I respect, was like, “Hey, what happened, you left me hanging here.” I think she was also definitely calling me out on it, like, hey you big dummy, what’s the problem? Man up, or more specifically, and likely to have been said by her, “Size Up” and get this shit rolling again already.
As if that wasn’t enough, then another kick in the ass…September 19, 2021…
My feelings about this were compounded recently (it was recently when this was originally written anyhow) when I bumped into some old high school friends and one of them said, “Hey, what’s up with the BLAWWWWG, I’m waiting for an entry”, or something along those lines (it was after the Browns game and I had some beverages in me). Anyhow, it struck me again as being nice that someone noticed. So here I am, showing up again and wondering where this thing goes next. Maybe I’ll just call that time off summer break…and fall break. Again, I’m not sure why it feels so far away, but I think I’m ready to see if I can get back into it. I think I need it. I find myself floundering again, just like this entry.
So I guess like so many rappers that came before me, I’m back like I never left…typically that’s because they didn’t leave, kind of like I didn’t, I just stopped doing the thing for a hot minute and I think I might be ready to do it again.
Also, something made me write this rambling explanatory piece of garbage, even if it took months and multiple tries to start it, correct. (That sentence should probably have a question mark after it but I think I realized I wasn’t asking a question and I was really just talking to myself). Let’s see where that leads us…see you next week, I think, or some time in the relatively near future, when I stop being a whiny and confused bitch…or at least I stop overtly telling you about it.
For those of you that legitimately missed the entries, I thank you. Because of my inability to accept compliments in a healthy manner I also don’t believe you. But, I will also make a promise to you to try to never get spooked again by this child of mine…
And then there’s “now” (sorry, originally that was the end)…(not really now, this happened about five weeks ago)…
So my lovely wife will occasionally read my entries prior to them getting posted, and she then gives me her feedback, which is typically pretty good. I know right. This entry wasn’t any different, as prior to her reading it I told her, this one kind of sucks (which she says I frequently say) and really is just an entry to restart the engines, and she responded with something like, well you might think so but each entry is different to everyone.
When she got to the end she said, “Are you done with this?”, which is really her saying, “This one kind of sucks.” To which I responded, “Uh, kind of”. She went on to point out that I said I’M BACK, and then I didn’t really write anything that is truly Diary related. She said, look, if you want to have this be a sort of a restart, at least tease something that shows you’re actually back in some way. Which I determined she may be correct about, I suppose. Anyhow, ok, fair point, sooooooooo…….
God willing I’ll see you all back here next week, or so, with an entry that I started during that lovely vacation, which would’ve been so much more trendy and relevant at the time (but let’s face it, being trendy and relevant really isn’t my thing). At that time I’ll give you my opinion on the name change of the Cleveland baseball team from the Indians to the Guardians…kind of…well not really, but it will be referenced, but really barely referenced and then only referenced to try to make it feel trendy and relevant. I feel like this is the cliff hanger that really isn’t…or is just really poorly executed…kind of like this entire entry. What can I say, it’s a bumpy ride back into this atmosphere…
P.S. (no I’m not kidding)
Ok, now we are up to today, like today, today, the supposed day I’m posting this monstrosity and I’ve had some more thoughts on this (surprise, surprise). First of all if I were a reader I would never want to read anything here again, so sorry about that. Look at it this way, it can’t get worse right?
Anyhow, it dawned on me that the likely reason I was away from this thing for so long and that it caused me enough pain and consternation to way overthink things and develop this ugly post was that I felt like I let myself down, and in turn let you down. Once that happened I think I just couldn’t look at it, you know. Like maybe if I ignored it it might go away. Kind of like that home project you have to fix the hole in the wall but eventually you just buy something to go in front of it because you still haven’t gotten to it.
I’ve determined that method of thinking and approach to be kind of dumb. To be honest it took some paid “assistance” to help me get to that conclusion. This thing really does need to be organic and so it will come when it comes, and when it does it should be quality and if it takes some time to get there I’m not going to treat it like that neighbor whose crystal vase I borrowed and never look at them again hoping one of us moves soon. I’ll shoot for consistency, but I think quality is the thing. Back to the roots of intention I suppose.
Basically, what I’m saying is, I’m going to try not to be so hard on myself, and if you’re like me you should try that too. So I’ll see you back here when the next entry is ready to roll.